Ruptures – Volume 2

Going back to therapy is difficult. So many “details” keep getting in the way, and making me distrust the T. … Or I am making me distrust her. Evidence she does not care. Details, and more details. Everything hurts.

Listing them down… trying to get some reason in my confused brain.

– August: the auto-replier that did not work. She disappeared. Blimey, I KNOW it was just a technical glitch. But that when I felt her disappear. She was gone and I was left alone. Like I always knew I would.

– The subsequent googling. The shame. The feeling I can never ever reach her (see, you don’t even know anything about her).

– Back, and she is wearing nailpolish. Which I had told her was a trigger. Not that she should avoid wearing it. It just proves she is … not safe.

– her gone again. The terrifying feeling of knowing she is gone and I must not even try to reach out for her. Such long two weeks.

– then, another mail mess: 1) sending a confusing check-in email, 2) she asks about it, 3) big risk: asking for something, 4) the darn auto-reply tells me she is gone again. I knew it was not the truth, but… just felt too punished for having tried to ask for something. 5)telling her to disregard the previous email, 6) she did, 7) it hurt.

– then the session…

– me telling her I am moving. Her, again, not taking my new address. Evidence that when I am not in the office, she does not give a damn. If I disappeared, she would not try to know what happened. All she says during crises is “you will call the ER”. I will of course. Good girl. Don’t need anyone to care. The answer comes, on a chat: “She’s not your mom, it’s just her job, of course she does not care more than a therapist does: during your appointments”.

-which is pretty much what she actually told me during the session, when, too upset to be able to talk, i wrote that she was going to be gone again. She said it was the pain of therapy. So… yes, I guess I am supposed to be in pain.

– last time, I had told her I would probably not be able to keep coming twice a week because of money. She said “okay, we will discuss it, it’s important, try to find a way”. She did not bring it up. I finally did. The answer was just “well, you just have to hope that someone with a really reduced sliding scale will drop out”. … Okay, that was worth telling me we would try to find a way, indeed.

And on top of that, feeling guilty for “holding all this” against her. Feeling I am not doing therapy right. Cause obviously, she is doing everything right, then, how come I keep feeling hurt. Obviously, I am doing it all by myself. I don’t think I can let her know (which may be part of the problem). Last session was me telling her how my feeling bad had to do with everything except her being away….

Ruptures

So I went back to France for one month. One email a week she said, and there would be the automatic reply when she was away.

Turns out the automatic replier did not work properly and I had to wait one week. You can imagine how upset and lost and abandoned I felt.

She wrote “sorry about that” like it was nothing. It was nothing. My feelings are nothing.

I came back, had one session, pretended the one month break had not happened. And she went away again, so that the next appointment would be two weeks later. She sent an email afterwards saying “oops, it may upset you I am leaving again, you can check in on the Friday, I’ll answer in the evening”. How perceptive. Though, it felt good she had thought about it. And then it just felt worse: one more trick, one more time I would feel connected, hope she was “there”, not disappearing.

And then, the week was a bad, bad week and I had no support. I am fine, I am always fine. But the T is not there. Definitely, totally, absolutely not here. Just gone. Like she was never there. Like she would always disappear, because that’s what people do. I have wanted to reach out every single day. But there is noone to reach. Just an empty space. She is not here.

I will email her tomorrow, a “check-in email’. Except that I don’t see what I am checking. She is gone, there is no way around it. I am alone. It is entirely her right, and that’s life. But so, why pretend she won’t leave me? She will. She does.

Hi T.
So you are gone. I hope you had a good week. Actually, i cannot think of any question to ask, because I dont think of any answer that would convince me or make a difference. You are very clearly not here. Which is fine anyway. Nevermind, have a good day.

Best regards,
Nocturnal

 

(my check-in email are usually asking her whether she still exist/is still here) But i am afraid it looks reproachful, while… Really i am just stating my feelings instead of pretending. I will see. Maybe i will pretend, it would be easier to fake it. Should I change it? Send it? I don’t see what else I can say. Or feel. She is gone. Like she always will. Telling her is both the only thing I can see, and still also feels too vulnerable. I don’t even see how I am going to go back. I don’t see how I will get over this, over this knowledge that I was right. It feels like it was all a trick, getting me to trust she would not disappear, while of course she would, any time she wants. It is not fair, she does her job well, she cares, she is all good. And disappears, that’s very much it. It is her job. She is happy to be rid of me.

I am just tired. My mood has been low. I don’t think it will ever get better. I trust her, do I? I did. But it was all a trick, all just my hopes, me trying to believe them because I wanted them to be true.

She left. She did not even abandon me. Abandoning implies she had responsibilities, that she was to not do it, that I was her responsibility. She did not abandon me, because she was never there. I just pay her. I am a grown up, I am my responsibility. Then I can hurt me.