I created a new blog, very different, if anyone wants to visit:
i just can’t bear the silence when i write. The feeling completely ignored. Worthless. Undeserving of attention. Liar. Judged. Nobody wants to hear your self-centred whining. Shut up.
(and then i see others getting all the support i don’t get, and triggering does not even start to describe it)
It’s all projections, maybe. But I can’t. So I am posting this for the people who do read, before actually vanishing from here. It hurts too much.
Thank you to everyone who commented and was kind and generous and caring.
so many things
i wish i could write here. but the pain of being mostly ignored (by my fault) is too much. it’s easier to not have support because i don’t try to get it than because people don’t care that i am asking for it.
so just. Meow.
I need to settle some things with T before that. I must… free myself from my word, from her expectation that i will be safe. I wrote her a letter.
We need to talk. I guess.
I hate having to say it, but I will try to think that it is better than trying to do it without you noticing it. I feel I have to stop seeing you, that it is my… duty. (Don’t take this as “this is is actually what i want”. It’s very much not what i want. ) From what I understand, you put me being safe as a condition to see me. By seeing you, I implicitly accept the condition. I am safe. Right now. I just don’t know for how long I can promise it with complete honesty. So I feel it would not be fair to you to go on without respecting, or potentially without respecting that condition, it’s better to actually give you the option to decide. It feels more respectful I suppose. It’s not the morally best option, which would have been to lie and walk away for some invented reason, but I could not do that, I tried but it’s just too hard for too many reasons (lying is bad, leaving is something i experience as a form of conflict, and also i very much don’t want to stop seeing you.) But I cannot allow myself to be dishonest about this, so I feel I must leave.
i am afraid of harming you, in various ways.
– i am afraid of betraying you/my word/your trust. If i stop seeing you, I don’t risk betraying you, i am not bound to that specific responsibility
– i am afraid that you will give up on me (and you can’t get rid of me if I’m already gone, so yay, it avoids this pain, brilliant thinking!)
– (I also worry that me thinking i should stop coming could be offending/hurtful/like I’m saying “i’m unsatisfied with what you’re doing”. Maybe it is totally stupid of me to think that though, you’re an adult and my opinion does not really matter any way. But even if it did…. I hope you know I very much respect you, and our work, and care about the part of you I know. Any way, writing this is beyond stupid X.X i know it does not matter, sorry.)
I am terrified that you are going to just say “yes, you’re right. Leave.” Maybe it will be the conclusion, but … not too fast, please? Also, I cannot know for sure, but it is not impossible I’ll be frozen when you get there. Writing this I already feel myself vacillating toward frozenness because i am so afraid of your reaction. are you still here are you leaving me.
I will give her tomorrow. It is scary.
I don’t think i am doing very well. I saw my doctor. Actually no. I thought I would see my doctor and i got a random stranger/intern, and i felt so… unimportant and like nobody cared. I can’t even have a doctor who keeps seeing me. He was useless. It was fun, in a… cynical way. He brilliantly deduced I was depressed, and then tiptoed around “but you don’t think about…. life not being worth it?”. It was… fun how he was not daring to use the word, like “let’s not mention such a terrible idea”. Darling, I think about it 24/7. I rewrote my bilingual will and updated the list of people to inform if i died. I think about how and when all the time. So I know it’s not convenient, but don’t look so scared of asking. Baby doctors are fun… Then he was scared so he ran back to my doctor to ask her opinion (i suppose she was in one of the other rooms). He came back. I was crying. He asked whether something had happened. No, nothing happened, I am just alive and it’s enough to make me cry. I did not say that last part.
He said “well, i have thought it through, we’re going to not change your medication. You keep doing the same, trying to make friends, get up in the morning?”
Awesomesauce, I really needed a doctor to know that. It really feels like there is just nothing that can help.
I am seeing my supervisor (university) tomorrow. I asked for an appointment and we are supposed to talk about my dissertation and how to move forward but I have no idea how I’ll be able to fake that. Right now, the only thing that keeps me going through this week is the thought of overdosing on Friday. I don’t think it will kill me. I’d say less than 40% chances of dying. But hopefully it will make the feelings go away for sometimes.
I feel better since i have decided to do that. Like… i know this won’t last forever. It’s like a talisman. A dangerous talisman. I am tired. I suppose it is a bit sad that the best thought in my life at the moment is to think about ending it/endangering it. It’s not suicide though, since it is more likely to not kill me than to kill me. It’s a lie, but it allows me to not think about the potential consequences. “It’s not my fault, I had totally not planned to die. Dying would just be an accident.” I know it’s a lie, but apparently it works.
I need to send a few postcards before that. Just in case it does … make me unable to do it later.
I’m a coward. Maybe I won’t do it. When I look at my cat and feel how soft he is, I don’t want to leave. I am tired and nothing can get better.