Going back to therapy is difficult. So many “details” keep getting in the way, and making me distrust the T. … Or I am making me distrust her. Evidence she does not care. Details, and more details. Everything hurts.
Listing them down… trying to get some reason in my confused brain.
– August: the auto-replier that did not work. She disappeared. Blimey, I KNOW it was just a technical glitch. But that when I felt her disappear. She was gone and I was left alone. Like I always knew I would.
– The subsequent googling. The shame. The feeling I can never ever reach her (see, you don’t even know anything about her).
– Back, and she is wearing nailpolish. Which I had told her was a trigger. Not that she should avoid wearing it. It just proves she is … not safe.
– her gone again. The terrifying feeling of knowing she is gone and I must not even try to reach out for her. Such long two weeks.
– then, another mail mess: 1) sending a confusing check-in email, 2) she asks about it, 3) big risk: asking for something, 4) the darn auto-reply tells me she is gone again. I knew it was not the truth, but… just felt too punished for having tried to ask for something. 5)telling her to disregard the previous email, 6) she did, 7) it hurt.
– then the session…
– me telling her I am moving. Her, again, not taking my new address. Evidence that when I am not in the office, she does not give a damn. If I disappeared, she would not try to know what happened. All she says during crises is “you will call the ER”. I will of course. Good girl. Don’t need anyone to care. The answer comes, on a chat: “She’s not your mom, it’s just her job, of course she does not care more than a therapist does: during your appointments”.
-which is pretty much what she actually told me during the session, when, too upset to be able to talk, i wrote that she was going to be gone again. She said it was the pain of therapy. So… yes, I guess I am supposed to be in pain.
– last time, I had told her I would probably not be able to keep coming twice a week because of money. She said “okay, we will discuss it, it’s important, try to find a way”. She did not bring it up. I finally did. The answer was just “well, you just have to hope that someone with a really reduced sliding scale will drop out”. … Okay, that was worth telling me we would try to find a way, indeed.
And on top of that, feeling guilty for “holding all this” against her. Feeling I am not doing therapy right. Cause obviously, she is doing everything right, then, how come I keep feeling hurt. Obviously, I am doing it all by myself. I don’t think I can let her know (which may be part of the problem). Last session was me telling her how my feeling bad had to do with everything except her being away….
In the forests of the night 